I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
