Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
