she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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