highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize