opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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