Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Randomize
