my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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