Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
