I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
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