Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize