I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
