How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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