How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
