The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
