My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I think my fart just growled at me.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
why is half of my head shaved?
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