Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
