i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
