There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
