I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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