Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
