My underwear smells like fireworks.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
