I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
