Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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