1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
