Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Naked Twister starts at high noon
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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