Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
