goodnight i made you a song goodbye
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
