dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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