fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Randomize
