Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
