She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
