Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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