Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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