Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
