Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Randomize
