she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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