I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I want to make a zoo with you.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
