i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
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