I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
