That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
