On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
