Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
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