Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
