Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
