I wanna bring you to show and tell
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
