Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
