So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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