dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
