he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
