I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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