I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
