Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Acid is not a monday night drug
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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