I look better un-naked...
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
