working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Couch. On fire.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
