My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize