One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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