wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
These tits shall not be calmed
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
