not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
