You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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