you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
