No awkward lesbian experiences without me
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
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